People suffer trauma in many different forms and at times there seems to be no easy way to deal with the ensuing pain. In recent times, people have become more open in discussing child sexual abuse and also in getting help for children who have been victims. Years ago, this was not the case. In many families, it was the custom not to air your dirty laundry publicly by putting your family business on the street. Many also felt like they were supposed to be a strong person and bear what was their due. So for persons who were sexually abused as children and may not have had any resolution to their trauma and have now become adults, how are they dealing with these memories and the after effects?
What constitutes Sexual Abuse?
Child sexual abuse is where an adult or an older child has sexual relations with a child, either with or without their consent. It takes many forms. There is molestation where the child is actually touched or has penetration of their private parts. It can also take the form of the adult exposing themselves to the child, the child being shown pornography or erotic literature, having indecent sexual conversations with the child or allowing the child to see the adult engaged in sexual activity.
The abusive activity can be done by an older child, a parent or step-parent, a trusted family member or a stranger. It is an abuse and misuse of power and control over a child, destroying his or her innocence. If the perpetrator is punished and the child sees that justice appears to be done, there is some vindication and the child learns that people who do bad things do suffer consequences as a result of their actions. At that point, the child can then benefit from being in a safe environment and receiving counseling to rebuild their self image. Hence, treatment has a 2-prong focus. When there is consequence to the adult or no acknowledgement of the abuse either from the child's viewpoint or that of the perpetrator, that child grows up with a loss of faith in the systems that are supposed to be their buffer and protection from harm - the family, the justice system and the church and the long term effects are worse.
The Long term Effects of Sexual Abuse
Some adults remember their abuse many years after it has happened. The incident was so traumatic that perhaps they repressed the memories. This can happen even more so when they tried to complain about it, but were made to feel like they were imagining things or that their complaints were not justified. Abuse can also create a distorted self image. The child grows up feeling like their bodies are ugly because it has brought them so much pain. They might also feel like bad persons if their complaints caused their families to have some conflict or their mother loses her husband, the perpetrator. The low self image extends itself to the person's self esteem so that they have no true concept of their worth or value as a human being.
Low self image and self esteem sometimes causes the victim to engage in self harming behaviors. If a person has a low estimation of their worth, they are likely to engage in a promiscuous lifestyle. They may also think that sex means love so they allow many persons to show them 'love' then they just feel badly after. They then sometimes keep chasing harmful relationships in their quest for love and acceptance and to feel better about themselves, although this behavior really just makes them feel worse.
This haphazard seeking of love, fulfillment and some sense of worth sometimes leads the individual to become substance abusers as the overuse of drugs or alcohol appears to temporarily numb the constant pain. Other long term effects could include trust issues in relationships, post traumatic stress disorder - where a person suffers from nightmares, flashbacks and may become anxious when faced with any person or situation which reminds them of their abuse. Some have difficulty with intimacy and touching and some even develop sexual problems in their relationships. No matter what the long term effect, there is hope for the individual to heal and live a life of fulfillment.
What can be done to feel better?
First of all, you have to come to terms with the fact that it was not your fault. As a child, it is normal to trust adults. When someone betrays that trust it is traumatic. If you do not speak up, you feel guilt and shame. If you do speak up, you also feel badly when your confession seems to cause some chaos and disruption in the family.
You can re-learn how to like and respect your body. If you realize that you have allowed yourself to become overweight and you dress in a frumpy manner, this could be your inadvertent attempt to make yourself less attractive so as to avoid unpleasant or unwanted attention. You can therefore learn to appreciate your body for the good things it does for you. Allows you to go places, feel things, see, work, etc. When you look at yourself in a positive light, you will come to see your body not as someone else's instrument for pain, but rather as yours - a gift from God.
Give yourself time. The memories and pain won't go away immediately but as you start replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, the hurt and pain will eventually find no permanent room to occupy your thoughts. That's not to say that from time to time something won't happen to remind you of the abuse, but you will be able to view it feeling like a survivor rather than a victim.
Find someone supportive that you can comfortably share your feelings with. Trying to deal with your past abuse can bring up a lot of memories that you tried to suppress, so it is helpful to have support. There are even online support groups these days for everything, so you can have some degree of anonymity if you prefer to go that route. Remember, if you decide to confide in or open up to anyone, go at your own pace and comfort level.
Engage in respectful mutually giving relationships, so that you do not relive the past.
Some people find it helpful to write a letter to the person who abused them as a child, just to be able to express your disgust and whatever feelings you experienced or are experiencing. This way, you can feel like you got a chance to say how you felt, your voice was finally heard. You can destroy this letter after a time. You can then write yourself a love letter or read one of the love letters written by God to you in the Bible, that tells you how truly special and beautiful you are.
How can I help my children from also becoming victims?
- Educate your children about good and bad touches and teach them to set boundaries.
- Minimize the amount of 'aunts' and 'uncles' parading through your home.
- Encourage open dialogue with your children so that the feel free to tell you about their day.
- Be ready to discuss sex with them when they ask instead of shooing them away.
- Take it seriously when your child complains to you about any inappropriate behavior done to them or in their presence.
Understand that you deserve to be happy. It is not too late to heal and walk a new path. Take the power out of the hands of your abuser and regain control of your life. It is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Koren Norton, B.Sc., LMSW
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